твои

I tripped on my own umbilical cord — a ridiculous series of other people's mistakes. Sounds create an abyss — and then they create nothing. Misunderstanding hangs at every point where the truth should have been. Eight numbers — a gravestone entry or a birth registry entry. My scream is drowned out by other people's screams. I just watch carefully, as if someone's life depended on it — but it doesn't. It's unlikely anyone can summon rain or sun by the power of thought. It's unlikely I can stop the foreign voices tearing my silence apart. Alone in my attempt to buy emptiness. I still hear. I watch the twisting of a slipper ciliate, other people's births without continuation, the looped scripts of other people's mistakes — this is the little I'm truly tired of. I see the light of this on every face I love. And only with a few can I share this silence. Caught in endless longing for them, I walk the beaten path to nowhere. All I need is to share and watch from the sidelines. If I could, I wouldn't live inside other people's endless attempts. Thousands of people with millions of shitty ideas sound optimistic. Your shoulder, in all of this, is infinitely far away. Your eyes look judgmental. The eyes of my brother are infinitely distant. He is not dead, and you are not dead, but infinitely distant. Distance separates him from me. Stupid pride separates you from me. A couple more days trying not to hurt anyone. Alcohol and other people's tears. I just flip the switch to stay in silence. Here — the place of angels, the faces of my brothers. Infinite distance — the only thing I have no power over. Not even a drop of true love. One more time. Better together. A rotting beat. Your eyes are infinitely far away. His shoulder is not here today. I'm stuck again on the thousandth floor, watching other people's spirals. Rollercoasters that make me sick more than ketamine. Willing to drive many miles not to see you writhing on a spit-stained kitchen floor. Am I here or at the bottom of the sea? In the deep underground, without real achievements, stuck between "now" and "I should". Trying to send the last sprouts through the wires. Stuck between "help me" and "I don't need anything".